Our third Christmas together

It's the middle bit between Christmas and New Year and after 17 years of always working one, this year I had them all off because this time last year I was writing a job application for a job that was based from home with flexible working! I love being a nurse, I love the NHS but family comes first and juggling childcare with family and friends as many hours were outside paid childcare hours was just too stressful, tiring, guilty! I didn't dare jump ship fully so went part time with old and new job, in September I jumped fully! I'm loving learning so much in a new job, having childcare that fits and being flexible. I do miss the old gang but life and work life balance is so much better.

I can't believe I've not written since before naming ceremony, a lovely day if a tad OTT! (all me!). Several friends found it hard, 2 godparents (odd parents) had lost babies. I'm glad to say that although those babies will be forever missed that two rainbow babies arrived this year! They're making me broody.

My little man is a full on threenager now. School applications done, moved to local nursery and settled. My next plan us house move so I can do it again! I really don't want him to be a single child.

I just became East Midlands Adoption UK rambler leader! Arranging walks for east mid adopters and families 4 times a year. It's a new post in East mids, going on West kids walk and meet organiser next week.

We had a lovely manic Christmas, my boy chatters and sings at the rate of knots. He's suddenly grown up so fast.

Letterbox is in full swing, return letters take a while due to emotions. I happily send loads of photos. I don't want him to one day realise the pain birth family feels over such a difficult decision and say why didn't you help with their pain when you help others? So if a few extra pics helps then so be it.

It's so long since I blogged that I've forgotten how to add a picture! Experimenting time!

Too busy living it!

Time flies when life is wonderful! Wonderful doesn't mean easy but it does mean happy and amazing! A month has passed since I went back to work! T has started nursery and although juggling shift work and child care and guilt isn't easy, we both seem to be enjoying it! I certainly am loving adult convo, and by adult I mean juvenile, sarky and filthy! Giggling till I cry at work has brought me physiologically back to my usual chilled state. I miss T more than I could imagine when working but it's good knowing he's happy and learning! Plus it can't be healthy for either of us to be 24/7 in each other's company!
My year of adoption leave was my best year ever but moving from new mummy to working mummy makes it more real somehow. We've entered the norm!
So why is my blog getting attention tonight? Well this time last year I was a nearly mummy! I was counting the minutes nervously! I hadn't met my son. He felt like my son but I'd only ever seen photos. A year ago tomorrow my life changed in the most amazing way! And a year on how different we are! No longer is there a baby with minimal hair but a curly haired little strong willed inquisitive boy! Who every day makes me proud and thankful and who my heart loves even more.
I doubt anyone will read this but should you stumble across it in a dark time then please carry on because dreams do come true and if the journey is hard and testing sad and weary making then the end of the journey will be spectacular!

I can't believe still what a perfect fit my beautiful boy is! He is/was my destiny! I was laughing at him  tonight as he has his bath (trying to eat bubbles) and suddenly I thought this boy is almost twice the size he was a year ago, and it's too fast! Can I slow down life? A couple more months and he'll be two!

I say it's a year but I feel like he's been part of my life forever, how is it only a year? Next week is naming ceremony! Celebrate a year since moving in and the adoption!

Time flies and then it's all official!

Wow where do the days go to? I even ask that in the miserable months of January and February! So in two days my social worker visits for the sign off. I have long and short birth certificates and adoption order. Last month we went to court for the celebration hearing. It was a wonderful day but the ceremony wasn't very official!
The court was next to courts where (and then it was at this point that my iPad battery died and I've just come back to blog and found this draft! Now march!)

Ok the courts were next to courts that were seeing people charged with assault etc, my happy day seemed somewhat congruous with this. However, despite the lack of formality, the phrase that stays with me from this day is 'happy day'. As we walked in the judge said sit anywhere, this isn't a day for tears, unless they're happy, today is a happy day! And that was pretty much all the formality. There was a fluffy duck attached to a balloon for small boy to find (more interested in multiple remotes!) then we sat in the judges chair for photos before being given a certificate.
The duck is now called happy!
We then went to coffee Nero with my social workers. My boy played with plug switches. We then left them and went for drinks and then food. It was lovely, exhausting and much wanted. It lacked a bit of the personal touch but hell, who cares, legally we are now a family! Bloody whoop!

And now, due to life, I've now also experience my first Mother's Day! How lovely! Last year was my shower! But mainly, we are a family, a normal little family! Next month sees nursery and return to work! But for now we can chill, we have stability, we have love. We also have toddler tantrums but I feel that can wait for next time! (How can one wiggling small person be so strong?).

Advent

Two weeks until Christmas. I love Christmas, I'm a big kid but this year I am so so excited. I have officially finished the small boys shopping 5 times now! Oops! Mum looked after him whilst I turned the house into Christmas. He likes all the lights and glitter but is obsessed with two of the tree decorations! The trees gradually looking less perfect which in itself is perfect!

The issue for the hearing has been resolved. So still waiting for the hearing but with less fear and more excitement now. Not counting chickens until they're hatched (just thought about that saying, quite sad really!) but I am back on concentrating on making this the best Christmas ever!

Small boy has seen Santa twice now, he's really not sure! At least he didn't cry.
Sleep deprevation is in our house as when tidying for Christmas I thought how nice to make the cot up with a duvet and then Santa can leave a full stocking on the end! However I didn't realise that a duvet was the devil! Two nights in and I'm sticking with the guru that is 3 day nannys rules! We will get there, the duvet will become a friend! It's hard though after having a 12 hour plus sleep through child from day 1! Actually he'd prob sleep with no duvet but I feel the need to cover him up.

House rapidly tidied for social worker visit today. It's amazing how quickly that gets done! Especially when last night I chose a large wine over tidying once bath and bed time had been done!

Mixed emotions -final hearing date

Well after wishing and hoping for dates for final hearing (pre Xmas) and celebration hearing (post Xmas) I have dates. Except the judge has requested an action that is the equivalent of poking the hornets nest and could have horrendous consequences.
I'm so excited about christmas and had hoped celebration hearing would be the icing on the cake. Now I'm worrying about what final hearing might bring. People respond in two ways, either dismissive of any issues or panicked which then makes me anxious.
My social worker is one of the worse for doom and gloom scenario.
I'm trying to keep busy, it's like matching panel again except I love this boy so so much that I will fight heaven and earth to keep my son. I'm also maybe a little guilty of spoiling him that much more for our first christmas!
The evenings and bed are worse for those naughty what ifs creeping in! Time will tell, no point worrying too much until I have an actual problem!

6 months later...

Wow where does the time go to? Can't believe it's nearly Christmas! Well we've had an amazing summer. Short holiday to hunstanton with Grannie, trip to visit grandpa in Wales, camping with friends near Brighton.
In prep group an experienced adopter spoke to us and she said she has to remind herself she didn't give birth to her kids. I thought 'well that's very sweet but must be rare' it's not. I totally feel like he's been part of the family for ever! We've had first words, first clapping, first steps etc.. He's even been to the coronation st tour!
I'm now waiting again for the court hearing for the adoption order. I lodged August and still no heating date. Getting frustrated because it would be so nice to be done before Xmas.
I've also met up with birth family but it was so personal that I'm not going to blog about it. It was a positive experience though.
I'd love to document our life together more frequently but we're too busy living it! But I'm glad I did document it as I'm starting to think hmmmm sibling? Can I go through it all again? Hell yes! It's tough but wow the rewards are out if this world. That love grows and grows and grows! I no longer feel like a fraud calling myself mummy. And I simply have the best son in the world, who I love to the stars and the moon and back again! Best decision EVER!

The first week

I really planned to write every day of intros and first week. About 4 dates into week 1 I started a scribble diary by my bedside so the last thing I did every night was at least jot what we'd done ready for when I could do this.

The last 10 dates have been amazing, fabulous, exhausting!
Right back to post review.
The day after was Thursday. On this day I picked up my son at 8 and returned him at 7 ish ready for bed. 4 journeys that say, simply exhausting. By the time it came to take him back I just wanted to keep him. During the day we had lots of play, we went down to the park and played on the swings and then as he'd fallen asleep in the pushchair, we went to the marina and sat in the sun.on arriving back at the foster carers I was met with a table full of gifts. Cards and presents from foster family, child minder, parents of play mates. One very loved child. Memory box was given and all items explained. An album of photos documenting all his life and the wonderful foster carers had carried on with photos of intros taken and added in too. I took presents for all the family and the foster sisters gave me lovely hugs. It was very emotional. They've all had this little boy in their life's since he was 4 days old. The love for him was over whelming and I will tell him about these amazing people who gave him a dimply brilliant first chapter of his life. When I got back I was so emotional there was no way I could write.

Friday - placement day. I expected thus to be very emotional but compared to the goodbyes from the previous day, it was very straight forward. No other kids around bad a quick good bye, handover of last items, hugs and in car and off. I suddenly missed his foster family very much. I hoped they'd know how much I love this little man and his much I will move heaven and earth to ensure he has an amazing life. I didn't tear up until a mile or so away when on my iPod came on Take That 'greatest day' oh yes it was, and the start of many!

The first week. I can't believe it's on,y been a week. We bonded do quickly. He's such a friendly chappie. He sleeps 12 hours, we've cracked a lovely bed time routine. The first 4 days we were solo and went to local parks the first two days. On the weekend we both came Finn with horrendous colds and on the most coughing, snotty night my monitor, that was amazing, decided not to charge.
This meant getting in the car and once replaced we went to elvaston castle for a great walk round.
We both loved this so much that bank hol Monday we went to Staunton Harold.

By now I was craving some adult company and he some kids. So I met up with a friend who also had a 9 month old for a soft play date. Initially my son was a little unsure and kept wanting to hold on to me. This us amazing. It means he's attached and sees me as offering comfort. He soon came out of his shell and played.

The following day we went yo the luminarium which was amazing. He loved all the sensory aspect. It was good to just be us two again. The last few days have followed suit, another soft play date, this time cheeky chappie was on top form. And today Grannie was met. It made me quite emotional seeing it finally happen. He was comfortable in her company but still liked to check on me. Perfect.tomorrow it's meet my sister. I'm hoping two days on the trot isn't too much for him but he's bonded so well I hope not. If it is then I'll slow down. I thinks couple of hours for first meet is enough. Gotta treat it a bit like intros.
Right that's a very quick catch up. But now my tea is cooked. Great advice from adoption forums about pre cooking and freezing portions of food. Routines are getting established but they don't all come at on e. That full freezer is a god send!