Two weeks until Christmas. I love Christmas, I'm a big kid but this year I am so so excited. I have officially finished the small boys shopping 5 times now! Oops! Mum looked after him whilst I turned the house into Christmas. He likes all the lights and glitter but is obsessed with two of the tree decorations! The trees gradually looking less perfect which in itself is perfect!
The issue for the hearing has been resolved. So still waiting for the hearing but with less fear and more excitement now. Not counting chickens until they're hatched (just thought about that saying, quite sad really!) but I am back on concentrating on making this the best Christmas ever!
Small boy has seen Santa twice now, he's really not sure! At least he didn't cry.
Sleep deprevation is in our house as when tidying for Christmas I thought how nice to make the cot up with a duvet and then Santa can leave a full stocking on the end! However I didn't realise that a duvet was the devil! Two nights in and I'm sticking with the guru that is 3 day nannys rules! We will get there, the duvet will become a friend! It's hard though after having a 12 hour plus sleep through child from day 1! Actually he'd prob sleep with no duvet but I feel the need to cover him up.
House rapidly tidied for social worker visit today. It's amazing how quickly that gets done! Especially when last night I chose a large wine over tidying once bath and bed time had been done!
Friday, 11 December 2015
Wednesday, 2 December 2015
Mixed emotions -final hearing date
Well after wishing and hoping for dates for final hearing (pre Xmas) and celebration hearing (post Xmas) I have dates. Except the judge has requested an action that is the equivalent of poking the hornets nest and could have horrendous consequences.
I'm so excited about christmas and had hoped celebration hearing would be the icing on the cake. Now I'm worrying about what final hearing might bring. People respond in two ways, either dismissive of any issues or panicked which then makes me anxious.
My social worker is one of the worse for doom and gloom scenario.
I'm trying to keep busy, it's like matching panel again except I love this boy so so much that I will fight heaven and earth to keep my son. I'm also maybe a little guilty of spoiling him that much more for our first christmas!
The evenings and bed are worse for those naughty what ifs creeping in! Time will tell, no point worrying too much until I have an actual problem!
I'm so excited about christmas and had hoped celebration hearing would be the icing on the cake. Now I'm worrying about what final hearing might bring. People respond in two ways, either dismissive of any issues or panicked which then makes me anxious.
My social worker is one of the worse for doom and gloom scenario.
I'm trying to keep busy, it's like matching panel again except I love this boy so so much that I will fight heaven and earth to keep my son. I'm also maybe a little guilty of spoiling him that much more for our first christmas!
The evenings and bed are worse for those naughty what ifs creeping in! Time will tell, no point worrying too much until I have an actual problem!
Monday, 2 November 2015
6 months later...
Wow where does the time go to? Can't believe it's nearly Christmas! Well we've had an amazing summer. Short holiday to hunstanton with Grannie, trip to visit grandpa in Wales, camping with friends near Brighton.
In prep group an experienced adopter spoke to us and she said she has to remind herself she didn't give birth to her kids. I thought 'well that's very sweet but must be rare' it's not. I totally feel like he's been part of the family for ever! We've had first words, first clapping, first steps etc.. He's even been to the coronation st tour!
I'm now waiting again for the court hearing for the adoption order. I lodged August and still no heating date. Getting frustrated because it would be so nice to be done before Xmas.
I've also met up with birth family but it was so personal that I'm not going to blog about it. It was a positive experience though.
I'd love to document our life together more frequently but we're too busy living it! But I'm glad I did document it as I'm starting to think hmmmm sibling? Can I go through it all again? Hell yes! It's tough but wow the rewards are out if this world. That love grows and grows and grows! I no longer feel like a fraud calling myself mummy. And I simply have the best son in the world, who I love to the stars and the moon and back again! Best decision EVER!
In prep group an experienced adopter spoke to us and she said she has to remind herself she didn't give birth to her kids. I thought 'well that's very sweet but must be rare' it's not. I totally feel like he's been part of the family for ever! We've had first words, first clapping, first steps etc.. He's even been to the coronation st tour!
I'm now waiting again for the court hearing for the adoption order. I lodged August and still no heating date. Getting frustrated because it would be so nice to be done before Xmas.
I've also met up with birth family but it was so personal that I'm not going to blog about it. It was a positive experience though.
I'd love to document our life together more frequently but we're too busy living it! But I'm glad I did document it as I'm starting to think hmmmm sibling? Can I go through it all again? Hell yes! It's tough but wow the rewards are out if this world. That love grows and grows and grows! I no longer feel like a fraud calling myself mummy. And I simply have the best son in the world, who I love to the stars and the moon and back again! Best decision EVER!
Saturday, 30 May 2015
The first week
I really planned to write every day of intros and first week. About 4 dates into week 1 I started a scribble diary by my bedside so the last thing I did every night was at least jot what we'd done ready for when I could do this.
The last 10 dates have been amazing, fabulous, exhausting!
Right back to post review.
The day after was Thursday. On this day I picked up my son at 8 and returned him at 7 ish ready for bed. 4 journeys that say, simply exhausting. By the time it came to take him back I just wanted to keep him. During the day we had lots of play, we went down to the park and played on the swings and then as he'd fallen asleep in the pushchair, we went to the marina and sat in the sun.on arriving back at the foster carers I was met with a table full of gifts. Cards and presents from foster family, child minder, parents of play mates. One very loved child. Memory box was given and all items explained. An album of photos documenting all his life and the wonderful foster carers had carried on with photos of intros taken and added in too. I took presents for all the family and the foster sisters gave me lovely hugs. It was very emotional. They've all had this little boy in their life's since he was 4 days old. The love for him was over whelming and I will tell him about these amazing people who gave him a dimply brilliant first chapter of his life. When I got back I was so emotional there was no way I could write.
Friday - placement day. I expected thus to be very emotional but compared to the goodbyes from the previous day, it was very straight forward. No other kids around bad a quick good bye, handover of last items, hugs and in car and off. I suddenly missed his foster family very much. I hoped they'd know how much I love this little man and his much I will move heaven and earth to ensure he has an amazing life. I didn't tear up until a mile or so away when on my iPod came on Take That 'greatest day' oh yes it was, and the start of many!
The first week. I can't believe it's on,y been a week. We bonded do quickly. He's such a friendly chappie. He sleeps 12 hours, we've cracked a lovely bed time routine. The first 4 days we were solo and went to local parks the first two days. On the weekend we both came Finn with horrendous colds and on the most coughing, snotty night my monitor, that was amazing, decided not to charge.
This meant getting in the car and once replaced we went to elvaston castle for a great walk round.
We both loved this so much that bank hol Monday we went to Staunton Harold.
By now I was craving some adult company and he some kids. So I met up with a friend who also had a 9 month old for a soft play date. Initially my son was a little unsure and kept wanting to hold on to me. This us amazing. It means he's attached and sees me as offering comfort. He soon came out of his shell and played.
The following day we went yo the luminarium which was amazing. He loved all the sensory aspect. It was good to just be us two again. The last few days have followed suit, another soft play date, this time cheeky chappie was on top form. And today Grannie was met. It made me quite emotional seeing it finally happen. He was comfortable in her company but still liked to check on me. Perfect.tomorrow it's meet my sister. I'm hoping two days on the trot isn't too much for him but he's bonded so well I hope not. If it is then I'll slow down. I thinks couple of hours for first meet is enough. Gotta treat it a bit like intros.
Right that's a very quick catch up. But now my tea is cooked. Great advice from adoption forums about pre cooking and freezing portions of food. Routines are getting established but they don't all come at on e. That full freezer is a god send!
The last 10 dates have been amazing, fabulous, exhausting!
Right back to post review.
The day after was Thursday. On this day I picked up my son at 8 and returned him at 7 ish ready for bed. 4 journeys that say, simply exhausting. By the time it came to take him back I just wanted to keep him. During the day we had lots of play, we went down to the park and played on the swings and then as he'd fallen asleep in the pushchair, we went to the marina and sat in the sun.on arriving back at the foster carers I was met with a table full of gifts. Cards and presents from foster family, child minder, parents of play mates. One very loved child. Memory box was given and all items explained. An album of photos documenting all his life and the wonderful foster carers had carried on with photos of intros taken and added in too. I took presents for all the family and the foster sisters gave me lovely hugs. It was very emotional. They've all had this little boy in their life's since he was 4 days old. The love for him was over whelming and I will tell him about these amazing people who gave him a dimply brilliant first chapter of his life. When I got back I was so emotional there was no way I could write.
Friday - placement day. I expected thus to be very emotional but compared to the goodbyes from the previous day, it was very straight forward. No other kids around bad a quick good bye, handover of last items, hugs and in car and off. I suddenly missed his foster family very much. I hoped they'd know how much I love this little man and his much I will move heaven and earth to ensure he has an amazing life. I didn't tear up until a mile or so away when on my iPod came on Take That 'greatest day' oh yes it was, and the start of many!
The first week. I can't believe it's on,y been a week. We bonded do quickly. He's such a friendly chappie. He sleeps 12 hours, we've cracked a lovely bed time routine. The first 4 days we were solo and went to local parks the first two days. On the weekend we both came Finn with horrendous colds and on the most coughing, snotty night my monitor, that was amazing, decided not to charge.
This meant getting in the car and once replaced we went to elvaston castle for a great walk round.
We both loved this so much that bank hol Monday we went to Staunton Harold.
By now I was craving some adult company and he some kids. So I met up with a friend who also had a 9 month old for a soft play date. Initially my son was a little unsure and kept wanting to hold on to me. This us amazing. It means he's attached and sees me as offering comfort. He soon came out of his shell and played.
The following day we went yo the luminarium which was amazing. He loved all the sensory aspect. It was good to just be us two again. The last few days have followed suit, another soft play date, this time cheeky chappie was on top form. And today Grannie was met. It made me quite emotional seeing it finally happen. He was comfortable in her company but still liked to check on me. Perfect.tomorrow it's meet my sister. I'm hoping two days on the trot isn't too much for him but he's bonded so well I hope not. If it is then I'll slow down. I thinks couple of hours for first meet is enough. Gotta treat it a bit like intros.
Right that's a very quick catch up. But now my tea is cooked. Great advice from adoption forums about pre cooking and freezing portions of food. Routines are getting established but they don't all come at on e. That full freezer is a god send!
Thursday, 21 May 2015
Midway review
Yesterday was the midway review and thankfully no issues or reason why Friday can't be placement day. After we went to soft play where his childminder was with all the kids. So loved is he that his childminder gave him a present.
After this the whole family came to my house. His foster sisters checked out his bedroom and toys and it was lovely to see him in his new home. Really quick entry tonight as tomorrow is placement but I'll write about today at some point before I write about move in day! But I am exhausted so bed us calling!
After this the whole family came to my house. His foster sisters checked out his bedroom and toys and it was lovely to see him in his new home. Really quick entry tonight as tomorrow is placement but I'll write about today at some point before I write about move in day! But I am exhausted so bed us calling!
Tuesday, 19 May 2015
Day out -intros
Yesterday was my first time out solo with my son. The tests of baby seat, new pushchair, strap adjustments etc all done in real time. You can't really adjust a pushchair until there's a wiggly baby in it!
The weather was heavy rain showers! So a trip to a garden centre that has a small farm and lunch there followed by a walk round the park.
All went amazingly well. I thought after a couple of hours he may start to miss foster family but he just giggled and sung and flirted with every old lady whose eye he caught!
A couple of people asked his name and age and dud I have any others! Felt bit like I was lying when I answered! But soon found my rhythm! Next stop for a drink was much more natural! Midway review today!
The weather was heavy rain showers! So a trip to a garden centre that has a small farm and lunch there followed by a walk round the park.
All went amazingly well. I thought after a couple of hours he may start to miss foster family but he just giggled and sung and flirted with every old lady whose eye he caught!
A couple of people asked his name and age and dud I have any others! Felt bit like I was lying when I answered! But soon found my rhythm! Next stop for a drink was much more natural! Midway review today!
Monday, 18 May 2015
Day 3 of Intro's
So yesterday when I got in the car after seeing my son, the song that was playing was a Hoziers one and I thought the lyrics to the chorus were so apt.
And so I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new
Every hour I spent with my son the love and the bond grows. There's never been a moment where I've worried or panicked. It now feels like I'm leaving my son behind. When I wake I wonder why he's not in the same house as me.
When I arrived yesterday he was still in his cot. I went to get him up and was given a lovely smile. I then had gorgeous cuddles whilst he had his milk. Still half asleep. (Both of us!).
After the school run we went to get him weighed. All these rituals that I don't know what I'm supposed to do. His health visitor was lovely, she apologised for not being at the LAD and it was great to meet another person who had been involved in my sons life.
As for weight, despite being ill recently and not eating as much he still had gained and was growing well!
After this we went to play group. Another thing I'm glad I went to with his foster mum and child minder because it means when I go on my own I'll know more what to expect. With a baby you have from birth you learn these things gradually, with adoption it's in at the deep end. And he's such a sociable baby and so used to lots of people that I don't want to leave it too long before we go to playgroup or other groups.
After this he had a nap whilst we had lunch, very considerate of him. Once awake I fed him and then re-energised we did lots of play and cuddles! Lots of eye contact and smiles and I hit some real deep belly giggles off him.
Gorgeous boy. Today I go later and take him out and cover the night time routine!
Sunday, 17 May 2015
Day 2 of intros
I really want to write every day of intros but blimey once you get home and the adrenaline leaves, whoosh are you knackered!
Today was a 9:30 start. When I arrived LO was up and in his high chair and the rest of the house were in various stages of getting dressed (for the girls this just means wearing frozen costumes!).
Today all the children were there and the little boy I'd met on Friday came up to hug me and the girls wanted to tell me all about everything! It's a good job I only have space for one child as otherwise I'd be wanting the other foster kids, so so cute.
My LO was in an even better mood than Friday, his cold and teething seemed improved and we had more giggles and smiles.
His foster mum gave him breakfast and then we all had brunch whilst he napped.
Later on I fed him, he's such a wiggler and wants to get involved. I'm swaying more towards baby led weaning but that's quite difficult in a house full of kids! Plenty of time for that! Lovely to feed him.
Lots more cuddles and playing and then home time! The hours fly by when I'm there. Early start tomorrow. I can't wait for him to move in!
Once home I sorted out my TV which blew up this morning, ok it went pop but it no longer works. A new TV wasn't in the plan but think it's pretty essential for the next few months!
I looked at the photos taken by social worker on my camera this morning of the first meeting. She managed to video it. So wonderful! Early night for me!
Picture of fab toy sent! If I can't have my real camper at least I can instil a love in my son!
Today was a 9:30 start. When I arrived LO was up and in his high chair and the rest of the house were in various stages of getting dressed (for the girls this just means wearing frozen costumes!).
Today all the children were there and the little boy I'd met on Friday came up to hug me and the girls wanted to tell me all about everything! It's a good job I only have space for one child as otherwise I'd be wanting the other foster kids, so so cute.
My LO was in an even better mood than Friday, his cold and teething seemed improved and we had more giggles and smiles.
His foster mum gave him breakfast and then we all had brunch whilst he napped.
Later on I fed him, he's such a wiggler and wants to get involved. I'm swaying more towards baby led weaning but that's quite difficult in a house full of kids! Plenty of time for that! Lovely to feed him.
Lots more cuddles and playing and then home time! The hours fly by when I'm there. Early start tomorrow. I can't wait for him to move in!
Once home I sorted out my TV which blew up this morning, ok it went pop but it no longer works. A new TV wasn't in the plan but think it's pretty essential for the next few months!
I looked at the photos taken by social worker on my camera this morning of the first meeting. She managed to video it. So wonderful! Early night for me!
Picture of fab toy sent! If I can't have my real camper at least I can instil a love in my son!
Saturday, 16 May 2015
First meeting
Well my beautiful darling boy, now we've met. And now I'm counting down the hours until I see you and hold you again. You made all my dreams come true. When I read the CPR I said you were perfect and I was absolutely right!
Prior to meeting we had the planning meeting. This went very quickly and I was given lots of official paperwork, birth certificates, photos, support plans, life story book etc.. It was all gathered up and put in the car to look at later because once done I could meet my son!
From the social services meeting I went to the foster carers. My sons foster mum came in the car with me and we chatted away. I can't believe how calm I was. I've waited for this moment for so long.
When we got to the foster carers home my son was still with the child minders.
After what felt like forever (social worker poised in the corner with my camera ready to record the first meeting) he was brought into the room. Fast asleep! A little perplexed face woke up slowly and looked around from the arms of his foster mum. I touched his hand and said 'hello you, I've been waiting a long time to meet you'.
He looked at me in a very steady way as if summing me up and then was happy to be held by me. Oh my god, I'm holding and cuddling my son! His social worker took more photos and he beamed for the camera.
I spent the next two hours playing peek a boo, feeding and cuddling my beautiful boy. I can't wait until tomorrow when intros start up for real! I'm a mum! This is amazing! I'm totally and utterly in love xxxx
Prior to meeting we had the planning meeting. This went very quickly and I was given lots of official paperwork, birth certificates, photos, support plans, life story book etc.. It was all gathered up and put in the car to look at later because once done I could meet my son!
From the social services meeting I went to the foster carers. My sons foster mum came in the car with me and we chatted away. I can't believe how calm I was. I've waited for this moment for so long.
When we got to the foster carers home my son was still with the child minders.
After what felt like forever (social worker poised in the corner with my camera ready to record the first meeting) he was brought into the room. Fast asleep! A little perplexed face woke up slowly and looked around from the arms of his foster mum. I touched his hand and said 'hello you, I've been waiting a long time to meet you'.
He looked at me in a very steady way as if summing me up and then was happy to be held by me. Oh my god, I'm holding and cuddling my son! His social worker took more photos and he beamed for the camera.
I spent the next two hours playing peek a boo, feeding and cuddling my beautiful boy. I can't wait until tomorrow when intros start up for real! I'm a mum! This is amazing! I'm totally and utterly in love xxxx
Thursday, 14 May 2015
The day before intros
So in 19 hours I will meet my son. The last week has been manic. A week off before intros should be a minimum. But it's meant the week has moved quicker than the last week of work. On Tuesday, after the ADM decision finally came through (yes of course phew!), I fitted my car seat. Allow at least half a day for that. I then decided to put my push chair into the boot. Except I couldn't. It was too tall! Doh! Thank god I tried this before intros started.
So suddenly I'm hunting for a compact pushchair. The money given to me by my godparents suddenly had a very definite purpose! So now I have a pushchair that fits in the car but not in the house and one that fits in the house cupboard and not in the car! Ha!
So onto tomorrow. I'm so excited and so nervous. I'm trying to breathe slowly, read, watch TV, anything that relaxes me. If I think about meeting my son I well up.
This time tomorrow I'll know him. I cooked up a load of baby meals yesterday just incase. Food shop ordered. Nursery ready. Car packed up including spare outfit incase of accidents.
Nappy bag ready to add in on Sunday. Everything washed. I even did ironing today! That may not last, sorry son!
Everyone has been so generous with bags of presents. Toys, toiletries, clothes. So so lovely.
If adoption is paper pregnancy with the gestation period of an elephant then I think my waters just broke!
I can't wait to meet my son! Xxx
So suddenly I'm hunting for a compact pushchair. The money given to me by my godparents suddenly had a very definite purpose! So now I have a pushchair that fits in the car but not in the house and one that fits in the house cupboard and not in the car! Ha!
So onto tomorrow. I'm so excited and so nervous. I'm trying to breathe slowly, read, watch TV, anything that relaxes me. If I think about meeting my son I well up.
This time tomorrow I'll know him. I cooked up a load of baby meals yesterday just incase. Food shop ordered. Nursery ready. Car packed up including spare outfit incase of accidents.
Nappy bag ready to add in on Sunday. Everything washed. I even did ironing today! That may not last, sorry son!
Everyone has been so generous with bags of presents. Toys, toiletries, clothes. So so lovely.
If adoption is paper pregnancy with the gestation period of an elephant then I think my waters just broke!
I can't wait to meet my son! Xxx
Thursday, 7 May 2015
Last day at work
Well that was surreal! So many lovely kind presents, great fuddle and then in true nursing style a calm shift turned insane and I left in a sweat and knackered!
Now a week of catching up with people and jobs before I start intros. An amendment to intros was sent today, a much better change.
Voting also done. Always consider what Parties say about nhs and nursing but this year I looked at child related aspects too!
Now a week of catching up with people and jobs before I start intros. An amendment to intros was sent today, a much better change.
Voting also done. Always consider what Parties say about nhs and nursing but this year I looked at child related aspects too!
Monday, 4 May 2015
Last week of work, ups and downs
Well it's been a strange week since panel. Initially I was quite shell shocked. In a good way. And exhausted as I hadn't slept pre and post panel. The day after panel I had another spa day, bought for me by my wonderful friends at my baby shower. I started a tad hungover and then once I had the massage and facial that was it. I could have sat and not moved for the rest of the day. It was bliss.
First day back at work last Friday. I was overwhelmed by people giving me presents (see pic for my loot!), so many lovely people have lived this with me.
At the weekend I had a sorting day and then up north for a christening for my friends little boy who is the same age as my little one. Playing with him and enjoying the christening made me think of my boy and how I will celebrate the day he gets my name. That led on to thinking about how amazing that will be and the.n how would I pay for my grandiose plans! But really as long as everyone who has supported me and loves us is there then that's all we need.
And then a wonderful week came crashing down. My best friends beautiful baby boy died suddenly. Such a horrendous, world stopping turning, moment as she told me. Why? There are no answers, there is no reason. This little boy who is so loved, so cared for, so wanted has gone.
I can't imagine how horrible the world is now for my friends, how much living hurts. I want to take their pain away. I can't.
And in a terrible terrible bitter sweet way I suddenly felt like a mummy because all I wanted to do was hold my little one and tell him I love him. I needed to hear he was ok. I texted his foster carer and she told me of his busy day, his grump at the end of the day and his teething. She sent me a picture of him and I loved him even more.
Life is not fair.
First day back at work last Friday. I was overwhelmed by people giving me presents (see pic for my loot!), so many lovely people have lived this with me.
At the weekend I had a sorting day and then up north for a christening for my friends little boy who is the same age as my little one. Playing with him and enjoying the christening made me think of my boy and how I will celebrate the day he gets my name. That led on to thinking about how amazing that will be and the.n how would I pay for my grandiose plans! But really as long as everyone who has supported me and loves us is there then that's all we need.
And then a wonderful week came crashing down. My best friends beautiful baby boy died suddenly. Such a horrendous, world stopping turning, moment as she told me. Why? There are no answers, there is no reason. This little boy who is so loved, so cared for, so wanted has gone.
I can't imagine how horrible the world is now for my friends, how much living hurts. I want to take their pain away. I can't.
And in a terrible terrible bitter sweet way I suddenly felt like a mummy because all I wanted to do was hold my little one and tell him I love him. I needed to hear he was ok. I texted his foster carer and she told me of his busy day, his grump at the end of the day and his teething. She sent me a picture of him and I loved him even more.
Life is not fair.
Tuesday, 28 April 2015
Matching panel
Today was matching panel. I woke emotional and then went calm then went nervous then scared and then back to emotional. And the weather did the same! Sun and wind, snow and hail when we came out and then glorious sun!
But what did they say? Yes! A big fat yes!
Mum, sister and brother in law came. The panel were great. And now for fizz! I'll add details in tomorrow. I'm so so so happy as are my family and friends! FC has sent Pic if him with the see me hear me pic already!
But what did they say? Yes! A big fat yes!
Mum, sister and brother in law came. The panel were great. And now for fizz! I'll add details in tomorrow. I'm so so so happy as are my family and friends! FC has sent Pic if him with the see me hear me pic already!
Monday, 27 April 2015
Panel day
So my countdown says 5 hours and 16 mins to matching panel. I just got a bit emotional packing up the pre intro items that if it's a yes will go to the foster carers to help little one get used to my face, smell and sound (huge apologies to the foster carers having to listen to my half singing on a recordable story!).
Friends and family have sent lots of good luck messages, they're so excited.
Messages from people I've never met in the adoption world from mumsnet and twitter made me tear up too.
I'm trying not to get ready too early. Cup of tea in bed whilst contemplating the world!
Slow breathing! I don't think my make up is going to survive today!
This is the most excited, nervous and scared I've ever felt xxxx
Friends and family have sent lots of good luck messages, they're so excited.
Messages from people I've never met in the adoption world from mumsnet and twitter made me tear up too.
I'm trying not to get ready too early. Cup of tea in bed whilst contemplating the world!
Slow breathing! I don't think my make up is going to survive today!
This is the most excited, nervous and scared I've ever felt xxxx
Thursday, 23 April 2015
Spa day number 1
Well I think my lovely family and friends would think I'd be climbing the wall by now because I've been given not one but two spa days. Today was number one. I'm not climbing the walls, I'm very very excited and distracted but amazingly zen (if zen is crying at everything that is emotional!).
I'm counting down to panel in hours.
My social worker sent info for out of hours emergency numbers for adopted parents. Does this mean it's going to be a yes?
Foster carer is amazing. She sends regular pics and updates. Said she's excited for me. How big hearted is that?
I can't wait to meet my cuddly boy. I've been reading about people's experience of introductions. I simply can't wait! Two weeks today I finish work, if it all goes to plan.
And it's 112 hours to panel!!
And feet are flip flop ready! 😀
I'm counting down to panel in hours.
My social worker sent info for out of hours emergency numbers for adopted parents. Does this mean it's going to be a yes?
Foster carer is amazing. She sends regular pics and updates. Said she's excited for me. How big hearted is that?
I can't wait to meet my cuddly boy. I've been reading about people's experience of introductions. I simply can't wait! Two weeks today I finish work, if it all goes to plan.
And it's 112 hours to panel!!
And feet are flip flop ready! 😀
Saturday, 18 April 2015
Life Appreciation Day
Yesterday was LAD. I'm not sure what I expected. It was much more of a meeting than I thought it would be, with minutes taken.
The vast majority was birth mothers story and family which will be really useful when I do life story stuff. But quite emotionally exhausting.
The amount about my (fingers crossed) boy was pretty short.
I was very glad I'd met the foster carers before and they'd answered all questions.
Foster carers bought the most beautiful a4 printed photos charting from picking him up in the hospital right up until last week. Each had a description of where and when it was and it was truly amazing to see. However I looked through once and then the meeting started and then at the end they were taken away to be given to me at a later date. I wished had a second look.
The FC said it irked her too.
When I got to the car and checked my phone and FC had forwarded on a pic of LO playing whilst we'd been in LAD.
Was so lovely.
Later I was in boots and saw the photo printing machines and thought why not? So a few printed photos of my boy to display. Lovely to see them on a phone or iPad but printing off and displaying is way better. No frames yet though! Not until after matching panel! 241 hours to go! Am I counting too much?
Everyone in LAD acts like it will happen but panel is scary! I just want it to hurry up!
I also want the freezer defrosted and oven cleaned which are my chores for today rather than procrastinating on my blog! Oops
The vast majority was birth mothers story and family which will be really useful when I do life story stuff. But quite emotionally exhausting.
The amount about my (fingers crossed) boy was pretty short.
I was very glad I'd met the foster carers before and they'd answered all questions.
Foster carers bought the most beautiful a4 printed photos charting from picking him up in the hospital right up until last week. Each had a description of where and when it was and it was truly amazing to see. However I looked through once and then the meeting started and then at the end they were taken away to be given to me at a later date. I wished had a second look.
The FC said it irked her too.
When I got to the car and checked my phone and FC had forwarded on a pic of LO playing whilst we'd been in LAD.
Was so lovely.
Later I was in boots and saw the photo printing machines and thought why not? So a few printed photos of my boy to display. Lovely to see them on a phone or iPad but printing off and displaying is way better. No frames yet though! Not until after matching panel! 241 hours to go! Am I counting too much?
Everyone in LAD acts like it will happen but panel is scary! I just want it to hurry up!
I also want the freezer defrosted and oven cleaned which are my chores for today rather than procrastinating on my blog! Oops
Thursday, 16 April 2015
Panel time
Yesterday I came home from work and my panel details had arrived in the post! Such excitement. 11:45 for panel, same panel as I had for approval panel. It all feels so right I can't help get excited. I know there are lots of what ifs but excitement, like waiting for the best christmas ever, is all I feel.
That and emotion. I cried when I read my panel details. Sometimes being so near my dreams feels like I'm dreaming.
Today is life appreciation day.
The only sad thing in my life is that my old girl cat has disappeared. She has looked frail the last few weeks but looked happy. She's 14 and I feel she's taken herself off to die quietly. It sounds daft but I feel she knows what's happening and doesn't want to add to my emotional burden. I'm just sad that my little boy won't meet her.
14 years with the most sweetest, sometimes crotchety, feminist, fluffy, ability to sleep on freshly cleaned black clothing, furry friend that was Retsina. Sweet dreams Retsy, I love you and will miss you xxxxx
That and emotion. I cried when I read my panel details. Sometimes being so near my dreams feels like I'm dreaming.
Today is life appreciation day.
The only sad thing in my life is that my old girl cat has disappeared. She has looked frail the last few weeks but looked happy. She's 14 and I feel she's taken herself off to die quietly. It sounds daft but I feel she knows what's happening and doesn't want to add to my emotional burden. I'm just sad that my little boy won't meet her.
14 years with the most sweetest, sometimes crotchety, feminist, fluffy, ability to sleep on freshly cleaned black clothing, furry friend that was Retsina. Sweet dreams Retsy, I love you and will miss you xxxxx
Sunday, 12 April 2015
Forums and blogs
At the moment this blog is very much guided by events in the adoption pathway. It's not written entirely freely yet as like other adopters I've got so used to being on best behaviour and being aware of how all actions may be interpreted. Don't get me wrong, it's not a false representation on me but it is me in social worker big brother mode!
I'm now reading regular threads and participating on forums like adoption uk, the mumsnet adoption forum and adoption support uk.
They have oodles of info and support. They also have loads of strong opinions.
I think people haunt them at the stages where there is little info on the process, like linking, matching, intros. I then think people come back on when they have problems with their children.
This gives quite a scary, negative slant. I suspect that most mums and dads are busy living their lives post placement to write regular updates.
The other non adoption blog that I'm loving is the unmumsy one. It reflects the honest viewpoints of several of my friends and family and I suspect it will make me feel a lot better at my review of how I'm parenting than anything else.
There's a lot on the forums of throw away all parenting guides type of advice. I think I'll address all advice as I would with any form of motherhood. I'll read it, if it might apply, I'll try it, if not I'll reject it. Yes my child will have aspects that need addressing that other friends birth children won't have but they may have other trauma to address in later years like divorce etc..
I can still get a lot of advice from them on some of the practical aspects. What to feed, best nappies, places to visit etc..
I'm feeling like the days are so slow. Matching panel is 16 days away. Every day I'm doing something to try and make days go faster. I don't feel overly stressed just excited. My dreams are surreal though!
Little ones foster carer has been amazing me, texting me about how he's enjoyed days out and sending me pics. I think she's going to be amazing at making intros move smoothly.
Today's keep busy is family catch up and meal! Next time I do it there should be a little man with us! X
I'm now reading regular threads and participating on forums like adoption uk, the mumsnet adoption forum and adoption support uk.
They have oodles of info and support. They also have loads of strong opinions.
I think people haunt them at the stages where there is little info on the process, like linking, matching, intros. I then think people come back on when they have problems with their children.
This gives quite a scary, negative slant. I suspect that most mums and dads are busy living their lives post placement to write regular updates.
The other non adoption blog that I'm loving is the unmumsy one. It reflects the honest viewpoints of several of my friends and family and I suspect it will make me feel a lot better at my review of how I'm parenting than anything else.
There's a lot on the forums of throw away all parenting guides type of advice. I think I'll address all advice as I would with any form of motherhood. I'll read it, if it might apply, I'll try it, if not I'll reject it. Yes my child will have aspects that need addressing that other friends birth children won't have but they may have other trauma to address in later years like divorce etc..
I can still get a lot of advice from them on some of the practical aspects. What to feed, best nappies, places to visit etc..
I'm feeling like the days are so slow. Matching panel is 16 days away. Every day I'm doing something to try and make days go faster. I don't feel overly stressed just excited. My dreams are surreal though!
Little ones foster carer has been amazing me, texting me about how he's enjoyed days out and sending me pics. I think she's going to be amazing at making intros move smoothly.
Today's keep busy is family catch up and meal! Next time I do it there should be a little man with us! X
Wednesday, 8 April 2015
Meeting the foster carers
Today I met my boys foster carers. Wow what amazing lovely people. I was soooooo nervous before hand. What if they don't like me? What if they don't think I'm good enough for their boy?
They arrived early with a framed picture of him and were so easy to talk to. Lots of talk about us all and all my questions I'd written down answered in normal conversation.
Hearing about how he is day to day and his routine and foster siblings made him so real. Hearing them positively plan imtroductions put so many of my worries at rest.
I can't wait to meet this lovely boy they describe. I've fallen more and more in love.
Once home, his foster mum sent me some pictures. One with the caption 'Hello mummy xx' talk about emotional!
There's still a few obstacles to go, mainly matching panel and agency decision, but whoop I feel on cloud 9 with excitement and love!
My little man, I'm on count down till I meet you xxxx
They arrived early with a framed picture of him and were so easy to talk to. Lots of talk about us all and all my questions I'd written down answered in normal conversation.
Hearing about how he is day to day and his routine and foster siblings made him so real. Hearing them positively plan imtroductions put so many of my worries at rest.
I can't wait to meet this lovely boy they describe. I've fallen more and more in love.
Once home, his foster mum sent me some pictures. One with the caption 'Hello mummy xx' talk about emotional!
There's still a few obstacles to go, mainly matching panel and agency decision, but whoop I feel on cloud 9 with excitement and love!
My little man, I'm on count down till I meet you xxxx
Saturday, 4 April 2015
Momentum
I'm writing this whilst drinking tea in bed at my mums house and thinking this might be the last time I have a relaxed morning at hers! And bring it on!
So now the report for panel has been written and will be sent to them next weekend. Putting into words why this little person should come and live with me and be my child was both easy and difficult. Easy because it's simple, I love him. Difficult because panel need to know how you will bring him up, how you will attach with him, how you will discuss difficult matters. But it's done now and fingers crossed panel will agree!
We planned a team night out with work a month ago. Unbeknown to me they changed it into a celebration night! Lovely meal, fizz and vouchers to spoil me and the cutest little pressies for the nursery! The little sign makes tears come!
I'm also preparing items to send to the foster carer from panel. I'm considering how to introduce my voice, scent and image! I've done a book of large laminated pictures of me, cats and close family. A comforter which I'm sleeping with and I have the butterfly book to fill in, also a twinkle twinkle book where I've recorded me reading it. Thinking what to say on the butterfly book and what pics to put in is where I am now! I must crack on with it and get over how terrible my voice sounds recorded!
This week I meet his foster carers and I have so many questions. I'm thinking about how that first meeting with him will be.
Last week I visited one of his future friends and had the other one visit me. It didn't take long for them to be playing with me and hugging me. Part of that is because their mums are relaxed with me so I'm eager to get on well with his foster carer as it's such an important aspect of it all. As we get closer I'm aware his foster parents must be doing an opposite count down. I just hope they can see how happy he will be with me and what an amazing thing they are doing!
It's a very surreal, emotional time. I'm so excited and so scared in case it doesn't happen. Seeing mum so excited it lovely too! This family can't wait for this little boy to join them!
So now the report for panel has been written and will be sent to them next weekend. Putting into words why this little person should come and live with me and be my child was both easy and difficult. Easy because it's simple, I love him. Difficult because panel need to know how you will bring him up, how you will attach with him, how you will discuss difficult matters. But it's done now and fingers crossed panel will agree!
We planned a team night out with work a month ago. Unbeknown to me they changed it into a celebration night! Lovely meal, fizz and vouchers to spoil me and the cutest little pressies for the nursery! The little sign makes tears come!
I'm also preparing items to send to the foster carer from panel. I'm considering how to introduce my voice, scent and image! I've done a book of large laminated pictures of me, cats and close family. A comforter which I'm sleeping with and I have the butterfly book to fill in, also a twinkle twinkle book where I've recorded me reading it. Thinking what to say on the butterfly book and what pics to put in is where I am now! I must crack on with it and get over how terrible my voice sounds recorded!
This week I meet his foster carers and I have so many questions. I'm thinking about how that first meeting with him will be.
Last week I visited one of his future friends and had the other one visit me. It didn't take long for them to be playing with me and hugging me. Part of that is because their mums are relaxed with me so I'm eager to get on well with his foster carer as it's such an important aspect of it all. As we get closer I'm aware his foster parents must be doing an opposite count down. I just hope they can see how happy he will be with me and what an amazing thing they are doing!
It's a very surreal, emotional time. I'm so excited and so scared in case it doesn't happen. Seeing mum so excited it lovely too! This family can't wait for this little boy to join them!
Friday, 27 March 2015
Little ones social worker visit
Well things have finally started moving. Little ones social worker visited and it went really well. Panel date was confirmed, meets with foster carers decided and home inspected.
Excitement starting to grow.
Today I got some updated photos. I can't stop looking at them. This little person is going to be, if not already is, my world.
I can't stop looking at the photos. I can't wait to cuddle him. I just hope it all moves forward ok now!
Excitement starting to grow.
Today I got some updated photos. I can't stop looking at them. This little person is going to be, if not already is, my world.
I can't stop looking at the photos. I can't wait to cuddle him. I just hope it all moves forward ok now!
Sunday, 15 March 2015
Adoption shower
Being a single, I have helped organise many hen do's, weddings, baby showers and even divorce parties. Today my friends threw me an adoption shower. I'm over whelmed with the love. I truely have fabulous friends.
It felt surreal. It was originally planned post matching panel, pre intros but when delays happened we decided not to postpone. After all, placement will happen one day! I'm so glad I had it now, on Mother's Day.
The room was decorated (balloons amuse children for hours, lesson noted!) and I had to guess the baby food in the nappy! All vile but best was the home made!
And presents were so generous. Lots of vouchers, a spa day for me and mum, books, clothes, toys and lots of lovely things and beautiful words in precious cards.
I'm now so excited. I want the surreal feeling to become reality! But for now I raise a glass and say cheers to my lovely support network, my friends and family! And I got to wear a sash that said 'mummy to be'. Wonderful!
It felt surreal. It was originally planned post matching panel, pre intros but when delays happened we decided not to postpone. After all, placement will happen one day! I'm so glad I had it now, on Mother's Day.
The room was decorated (balloons amuse children for hours, lesson noted!) and I had to guess the baby food in the nappy! All vile but best was the home made!
And presents were so generous. Lots of vouchers, a spa day for me and mum, books, clothes, toys and lots of lovely things and beautiful words in precious cards.
I'm now so excited. I want the surreal feeling to become reality! But for now I raise a glass and say cheers to my lovely support network, my friends and family! And I got to wear a sash that said 'mummy to be'. Wonderful!
Wednesday, 11 March 2015
DIY
That fire in my belly is back! Time to crack on with jobs. I bought a rocking chair off ebay. It was covered in gloss paint and stickers. Sanding it took ages and most of my nails. Today I finally painted it! Tomorrow a bit of polish and into the nursery! But as this blog is my diary plotting my journey, here's my rocking chair so far! I imagine I will be rocking a little man to sleep in it in a couple of months! If this process ages me too much then it will be ready for my old age too!
Tuesday, 10 March 2015
Progress - 2 months waiting!
So after a month of nothing happening suddenly we've got a cousin and a best friend having a baby, a new car being delivered this week and a new prov panel date!
So 6 weeks to go! Still seems a long wait but it's progress! Don't think that when social workers come round next week that I won't be trying to get them to bring the date forward but the limbo seems to be resolving!
Time to crack back on with the DIY! There's a baby coming home! If everything goes to plan then I could be meeting my baby boy 8 weeks today! Big, huge smile on my face!
Doing overtime today didn't seem so bad now I have a date to look forward to!
So 6 weeks to go! Still seems a long wait but it's progress! Don't think that when social workers come round next week that I won't be trying to get them to bring the date forward but the limbo seems to be resolving!
Time to crack back on with the DIY! There's a baby coming home! If everything goes to plan then I could be meeting my baby boy 8 weeks today! Big, huge smile on my face!
Doing overtime today didn't seem so bad now I have a date to look forward to!
Thursday, 26 February 2015
Waiting in limbo
I'm still waiting for my Sw to tell me if the initial cafcass visit with bm to sign papers has taken place. 2 weeks ago it was postponed with proposed new dates of Tuesday or Wednesday this week. On Monday my Sw wasn't able to tell me if either of these dates were confirmed. I'm trying not to chase too much on aspects that are outside of my sw's control but just to have some idea of dates and time lines would help.
My friends planned an adoption shower which originally would have been 10 days after panel. Now it's going to be before anything has been confirmed. It will distract me and give me chance to see friends so I'm not postponing it. There's enough postponing going on every where else.
But it would be nice to have a meeting date and panel date. Even if pencilled in!
Tonight I'm going round a friends for takeaway and girly gossip. In a few months I'm hoping this is something I can't do because I have my son asleep in his bedroom so I'm going to enjoy it while I wait and wait and wait!
But please, give me some dates soon!
My friends planned an adoption shower which originally would have been 10 days after panel. Now it's going to be before anything has been confirmed. It will distract me and give me chance to see friends so I'm not postponing it. There's enough postponing going on every where else.
But it would be nice to have a meeting date and panel date. Even if pencilled in!
Tonight I'm going round a friends for takeaway and girly gossip. In a few months I'm hoping this is something I can't do because I have my son asleep in his bedroom so I'm going to enjoy it while I wait and wait and wait!
But please, give me some dates soon!
Sunday, 22 February 2015
Waiting
When I first made the decision to adopt I kept saying I'd keep a diary, mainly so my child could read it in years to come. So they'd know how wanted and loved they were even before they were anything more than just a future happiness. Also because I couldn't find much on single adopters and thought maybe I could help support other single adopters and then finally for me. This feels like what life is all about, the emotions are big and the excitement and fears are huge. But every time I thought about starting it I did what all adopters do. I said to myself 'what if it doesn't happen, what if they say no?'.
'They' is the adoption agency, the panel, the family finders, the cafcass officer, the birth mum. They are my fears. But now I'm in a link. There are delays. I have one printed poor quality photo of a baby boy who I loved from the second my social worker told me about him.
That rush of love was a surprise. I always knew I could love a child. But to love a profile of a child and a poor quality photo was something I didn't expect. Since that moment every delay feels like someone is keeping my child from me! My best friends, three of them, all have baby boys born at the same time as my boy. I see them growing and I wonder if my boy is teething etc.
I have a nursery that is a day away from being ready. Some things are waiting for the green light. Until I know it's happening then pushchairs are staying in boxes, talking photo books remain non personalised, car seats and stair gates remain stored! It's superstitious but so much of this is outside of my control.
My link is a relinquished child. I think of his birth mum. I think of meeting her. How can I ever say thank you enough to the person brave enough to realise she wasn't ready to look after a baby and chose to let someone desperate to be a mum fulfil their dreams? I can't wait to hold him, to bring him home, to place him in his cot in the nursery I've taken weeks to paint and plan!
Next week I'm hoping to get some ideas of new panel dates. The not knowing is hard. I used to keep days in my diary free so I could plan any meetings as soon as they could be done. Now I'm booking in to see friends, get hair cut, go clothes shopping. Time moves fractionally faster that way!
'They' is the adoption agency, the panel, the family finders, the cafcass officer, the birth mum. They are my fears. But now I'm in a link. There are delays. I have one printed poor quality photo of a baby boy who I loved from the second my social worker told me about him.
That rush of love was a surprise. I always knew I could love a child. But to love a profile of a child and a poor quality photo was something I didn't expect. Since that moment every delay feels like someone is keeping my child from me! My best friends, three of them, all have baby boys born at the same time as my boy. I see them growing and I wonder if my boy is teething etc.
I have a nursery that is a day away from being ready. Some things are waiting for the green light. Until I know it's happening then pushchairs are staying in boxes, talking photo books remain non personalised, car seats and stair gates remain stored! It's superstitious but so much of this is outside of my control.
My link is a relinquished child. I think of his birth mum. I think of meeting her. How can I ever say thank you enough to the person brave enough to realise she wasn't ready to look after a baby and chose to let someone desperate to be a mum fulfil their dreams? I can't wait to hold him, to bring him home, to place him in his cot in the nursery I've taken weeks to paint and plan!
Next week I'm hoping to get some ideas of new panel dates. The not knowing is hard. I used to keep days in my diary free so I could plan any meetings as soon as they could be done. Now I'm booking in to see friends, get hair cut, go clothes shopping. Time moves fractionally faster that way!
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