Matching panel

Today was matching panel. I woke emotional and then went calm then went nervous then scared and then back to emotional. And the weather did the same! Sun and wind, snow and hail when we came out and then glorious sun!
But what did they say? Yes! A big fat yes!
Mum, sister and brother in law came. The panel were great. And now for fizz! I'll add details in tomorrow. I'm so so so happy as are my family and friends! FC has sent Pic if him with the see me hear me pic already!

Panel day

So my countdown says 5 hours and 16 mins to matching panel. I just got a bit emotional packing up the pre intro items that if it's a yes will go to the foster carers to help little one get used to my face, smell and sound (huge apologies to the foster carers having to listen to my half singing on a recordable story!).
Friends and family have sent lots of good luck messages, they're so excited.
Messages from people I've never met in the adoption world from mumsnet and twitter made me tear up too.
I'm trying not to get ready too early. Cup of tea in bed whilst contemplating the world!
Slow breathing! I don't think my make up is going to survive today!
This is the most excited, nervous and scared I've ever felt xxxx

Spa day number 1

Well I think my lovely family and friends would think I'd be climbing the wall by now because I've been given not one but two spa days. Today was number one. I'm not climbing the walls, I'm very very excited and distracted but amazingly zen (if zen is crying at everything that is emotional!).
I'm counting down to panel in hours.
My social worker sent info for out of hours emergency numbers for adopted parents. Does this mean it's going to be a yes?
Foster carer is amazing. She sends regular pics and updates. Said she's excited for me. How big hearted is that?
I can't wait to meet my cuddly boy. I've been reading about people's experience of introductions. I simply can't wait! Two weeks today I finish work, if it all goes to plan.
And it's 112 hours to panel!!

And feet are flip flop ready! 😀

Life Appreciation Day

Yesterday was LAD. I'm not sure what I expected. It was much more of a meeting than I thought it would be, with minutes taken.
The vast majority was birth mothers story and family which will be really useful when I do life story stuff. But quite emotionally exhausting.
The amount about my (fingers crossed) boy was pretty short.
I was very glad I'd met the foster carers before and they'd answered all questions.
Foster carers bought the most beautiful a4 printed photos charting from picking him up in the hospital right up until last week. Each had a description of where and when it was and it was truly amazing to see. However I looked through once and then the meeting started and then at the end they were taken away to be given to me at a later date. I wished had a second look.
The FC said it irked her too.
When I got to the car and checked my phone and FC had forwarded on a pic of LO playing whilst we'd been in LAD.
Was so lovely.
Later I was in boots and saw the photo printing machines and thought why not? So a few printed photos of my boy to display. Lovely to see them on a phone or iPad but printing off and displaying is way better. No frames yet though! Not until after matching panel! 241 hours to go! Am I counting too much?
Everyone in LAD acts like it will happen but panel is scary! I just want it to hurry up!
I also want the freezer defrosted and oven cleaned which are my chores for today rather than procrastinating on my blog! Oops

Panel time

Yesterday I came home from work and my panel details had arrived in the post! Such excitement. 11:45 for panel, same panel as I had for approval panel. It all feels so right I can't help get excited. I know there are lots of what ifs but excitement, like waiting for the best christmas ever, is all I feel.
That and emotion. I cried when I read my panel details. Sometimes being so near my dreams feels like I'm dreaming.
Today is life appreciation day.
The only sad thing in my life is that my old girl cat has disappeared. She has looked frail the last few weeks but looked happy. She's 14 and I feel she's taken herself off to die quietly. It sounds daft but I feel she knows what's happening and doesn't want to add to my emotional burden. I'm just sad that my little boy won't meet her.
14 years with the most sweetest, sometimes crotchety, feminist, fluffy, ability to sleep on freshly cleaned black clothing, furry friend that was Retsina. Sweet dreams Retsy, I love you and will miss you xxxxx

Forums and blogs

At the moment this blog is very much guided by events in the adoption pathway. It's not written entirely freely yet as like other adopters I've got so used to being on best behaviour and being aware of how all actions may be interpreted. Don't get me wrong, it's not a false representation on me but it is me in social worker big brother mode!
I'm now reading regular threads and participating on forums like adoption uk, the mumsnet adoption forum and adoption support uk.
They have oodles of info and support. They also have loads of strong opinions.
I think people haunt them at the stages where there is little info on the process, like linking, matching, intros. I then think people come back on when they have problems with their children.
This gives quite a scary, negative slant. I suspect that most mums and dads are busy living their lives post placement to write regular updates.
The other non adoption blog that I'm loving is the unmumsy one. It reflects the honest viewpoints of several of my friends and family and I suspect it will make me feel a lot better at my review of how I'm parenting than anything else.

There's a lot on the forums of throw away all parenting guides type of advice. I think I'll address all advice as I would with any form of motherhood. I'll read it, if it might apply, I'll try it, if not I'll reject it. Yes my child will have aspects that need addressing that other friends birth children won't have but they may have other trauma to address in later years like divorce etc..
I can still get a lot of advice from them on some of the practical aspects. What to feed, best nappies, places to visit etc..

I'm feeling like the days are so slow. Matching panel is 16 days away. Every day I'm doing something to try and make days go faster. I don't feel overly stressed just excited. My dreams are surreal though!
Little ones foster carer has been amazing me, texting me about how he's enjoyed days out and sending me pics. I think she's going to be amazing at making intros move smoothly.

Today's keep busy is family catch up and meal! Next time I do it there should be a little man with us! X

Meeting the foster carers

Today I met my boys foster carers. Wow what amazing lovely people. I was soooooo nervous before hand. What if they don't like me? What if they don't think I'm good enough for their boy?
They arrived early with a framed picture of him and were so easy to talk to. Lots of talk about us all and all my questions I'd written down answered in normal conversation.
Hearing about how he is day to day and his routine and foster siblings made him so real. Hearing them positively plan imtroductions put so many of my worries at rest.
I can't wait to meet this lovely boy they describe. I've fallen more and more in love.
Once home, his foster mum sent me some pictures. One with the caption 'Hello mummy xx' talk about emotional!
There's still a few obstacles to go, mainly matching panel and agency decision, but whoop I feel on cloud 9 with excitement and love!
My little man, I'm on count down till I meet you xxxx

Momentum

I'm writing this whilst drinking tea in bed at my mums house and thinking this might be the last time I have a relaxed morning at hers! And bring it on!
So now the report for panel has been written and will be sent to them next weekend. Putting into words why this little person should come and live with me and be my child was both easy and difficult. Easy because it's simple, I love him. Difficult because panel need to know how you will bring him up, how you will attach with him, how you will discuss difficult matters. But it's done now and fingers crossed panel will agree!

We planned a team night out with work a month ago. Unbeknown to me they changed it into a celebration night! Lovely meal, fizz and vouchers to spoil me and the cutest little pressies for the nursery! The little sign makes tears come!

I'm also preparing items to send to the foster carer from panel. I'm considering how to introduce my voice, scent and image! I've done a book of large laminated pictures of me, cats and close family. A comforter which I'm sleeping with and I have the butterfly book to fill in, also a twinkle twinkle book where I've recorded me reading it. Thinking what to say on the butterfly book and what pics to put in is where I am now! I must crack on with it and get over how terrible my voice sounds recorded!

This week I meet his foster carers and I have so many questions. I'm thinking about how that first meeting with him will be.

Last week I visited one of his future friends and had the other one visit me. It didn't take long for them to be playing with me and hugging me. Part of that is because their mums are relaxed with me so I'm eager to get on well with his foster carer as it's such an important aspect of it all. As we get closer I'm aware his foster parents must be doing an opposite count down. I just hope they can see how happy he will be with me and what an amazing thing they are doing!

It's a very surreal, emotional time. I'm so excited and so scared in case it doesn't happen. Seeing mum so excited it lovely too! This family can't wait for this little boy to join them!