Waiting

When I first made the decision to adopt I kept saying I'd keep a diary, mainly so my child could read it in years to come. So they'd know how wanted and loved they were even before they were anything more than just a future happiness. Also because I couldn't find much on single adopters and thought maybe I could help support other single adopters and then finally for me. This feels like what life is all about, the emotions are big and the excitement and fears are huge. But every time I thought about starting it I did what all adopters do. I said to myself 'what if it doesn't happen, what if they say no?'.

'They' is the adoption agency, the panel, the family finders, the cafcass officer, the birth mum. They are my fears. But now I'm in a link. There are delays. I have one printed poor quality photo of a baby boy who I loved from the second my social worker told me about him.

That rush of love was a surprise. I always knew I could love a child. But to love a profile of a child and a poor quality photo was something I didn't expect. Since that moment every delay feels like someone is keeping my child from me! My best friends, three of them, all have baby boys born at the same time as my boy. I see them growing and I wonder if my boy is teething etc.

I have a nursery that is a day away from being ready. Some things are waiting for the green light. Until I know it's happening then pushchairs are staying in boxes, talking photo books remain non personalised, car seats and stair gates remain stored! It's superstitious but so much of this is outside of my control.

My link is a relinquished child. I think of his birth mum. I think of meeting her. How can I ever say thank you enough to the person brave enough to realise she wasn't ready to look after a baby and chose to let someone desperate to be a mum fulfil their dreams? I can't wait to hold him, to bring him home, to place him in his cot in the nursery I've taken weeks to paint and plan!

Next week I'm hoping to get some ideas of new panel dates. The not knowing is hard. I used to keep days in my diary free so I could plan any meetings as soon as they could be done. Now I'm booking in to see friends, get hair cut, go clothes shopping. Time moves fractionally faster that way!