Last week of work, ups and downs

Well it's been a strange week since panel. Initially I was quite shell shocked. In a good way. And exhausted as I hadn't slept pre and post panel. The day after panel I had another spa day, bought for me by my wonderful friends at my baby shower. I started a tad hungover and then once I had the massage and facial that was it. I could have sat and not moved for the rest of the day. It was bliss.
First day back at work last Friday. I was overwhelmed by people giving me presents (see pic for my loot!), so many lovely people have lived this with me.
At the weekend I had a sorting day and then up north for a christening for my friends little boy who is the same age as my little one. Playing with him and enjoying the christening made me think of my boy and how I will celebrate the day he gets my name. That led on to thinking about how amazing that will be and the.n how would I pay for my grandiose plans! But really as long as everyone who has supported me and loves us is there then that's all we need.
And then a wonderful week came crashing down. My best friends beautiful baby boy died suddenly. Such a horrendous, world stopping turning, moment as she told me. Why? There are no answers, there is no reason. This little boy who is so loved, so cared for, so wanted has gone.
I can't imagine how horrible the world is now for my friends, how much living hurts. I want to take their pain away. I can't.
And in a terrible terrible bitter sweet way I suddenly felt like a mummy because all I wanted to do was hold my little one and tell him I love him. I needed to hear he was ok. I texted his foster carer and she told me of his busy day, his grump at the end of the day and his teething. She sent me a picture of him and I loved him even more.
Life is not fair.